To finally finish this stupid rant, I had to cover the one thing that bothers me most about the idea of "the one." What I hate the most is the phrase that so often accomponies it. I absolutely can't stand it when people, referring to the person they're dating, say, "I just know." You've heard it before. "I know I just met this guy and I know I said this about my last three or four boyfriends, but it's different this time. He has to be the one. I just know it." Or almost as bad is when people try to use seemingly happily married couples as proof for their fatalistic ideas. "My uncle and aunt only knew each other fifty-seven minutes before they got married and they're still married forty-two years later. When you know, you know." As far as I'm concerned that's better proof for the idea that there are lots of people out there who you could be happy with. So your aunt and uncle or your parents or whoever were young and dumb like you once and they made a rash decision that happened to work out for them. Does that mean you should use it as the model for your life? Because someone you know happened to get lucky and be compatible with a stranger or because they were determined enough to work through any hardships and make things work despite some compatibility issues? That's great for them, but I wouldn't try to emulate it if I were you.
Let's break this down. What do people actually mean when they say, "I just know." For the most part, they're saying, I have strong feelings for this person, we seem compatible so far, and I don't see any major issue that could keep us from being happy together. Well, that's great. Good for you. But are any of those things a good indicator of what's going to happen in the future? Can you predict what's going to happen with your feelings? How many other times in life does this concept work? Did you know what college you were going to or what job you were going to have years in advance based on your feelings? Can you successfully predict when friends and loved ones are going to die by closing your eyes and feeling things? Can you tell me what's going to happen at the end of a movie you haven't seen based on how you feel about the characters? People claim to have premonitions about things occasionally, but nowhere is it as widespread as it is in the dating scene, where practically everybody says they know. Sure, you have some say in the outcome of your relationship, but things happen. Stuff changes. If there's anything you can guarantee about life, it's that it's unpredictable.
And you know what? When you say you "just know," it comes off as an insult to the rest of us. It's a slap in the face to anyone who's ever felt the same way you're feeling, to those that have been "in love" and hoped it would last forever. You're saying your feelings are different, that you're smarter, or closer to God, or some sort of psychic. That's why it pisses me off so much. Because if I can't see the future, then neither can you. If my feelings aren't enough to make things work out, then neither are yours.
It's not that I don't like seeing people get together. I generally rejoice for my friends when they find someone that makes them happy. All of you out there in good relationships, I wish you well and hope things work out. I don't like seeing things fall apart. But I know they do sometimes, despite our best intentions and intense feelings. By all means, be positive. Be happy. Hope for the best. Just don't tell us you know something the rest of us don't.
me likes this post. when people speak of certainty in relationships, it would be much more accurate to say, "i'm sure that s/he will break my heart one day" than "i'm sure that s/he's the one." cynical, but probably more accurate.
ReplyDeletei don't really take offense, though, when people say that they've found "the one." i just assume they watch too many romantic comedies :)
I agree Sam. (I'm thinking hard about a post that will make us all disagree but nothing has spoken to me as of yet.) I don't believe in the one. I've had that feeling before that I could marry this person, but that was the feeling, not that he was the ONLY one I could marry. I wish people would say (if they have to comment at all but some people are pushy with their questions) that this is someone I can see a future with but it's too soon to tell. Or something to that effect.
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